Emmett's List
by Lace168
Summary: What is the worst Emmett could do in an elevator? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclamer: I do NOT own the Twilight books. If I did, I wouldn't be writing Fan Fiction. grins**

**Emmett's List of Annoying Things to Do in an Elevator **

**Top 75 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator **

**When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. **

**Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. **

**Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. **

**Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on. **

**Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" **

**Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" **

**Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. **

**Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. **

**Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play. **

**Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking. **

**Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. **

**Ask, "Did you feel that?" **

**Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. **

**When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!" **

**Swat at flies that don't exist. **

**Tell people that you can see their aura. **

**Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it. **

**Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" **

**Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" **

**Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. **

**Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly. **

**Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. **

**Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. **

**Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. **

**Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on". **

**Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!" **

**Put police tape in front of the door before entering. **

**Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you. **

**Hold an auction. **

**Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved. **

**Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male. **

**Throw a rave. **

**Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei." **

**Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral". **

**Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again. **

**When you brush past someone, whisper "Was it good for you too?" **

**Lean over to another rider and whisper 'Noogie patrol coming!'" **

**Have a heated debate with yourself. **

**Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers. **

**Drum on every available surface. **

**Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter. **

**Give psychotherapy to the other passengers. **

**Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them. **

**Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it. **

**Propose to the other passengers. **

**Challenge people to duels. **

**Sell girl scout cookies. **

**Bring a large pile of ice. Build an igloo on the floor. **

**Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..." **

**Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror. **

**Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a lighter. **

**Pitch a tent on the floor, and "camp out" for the weekend. **

**Play "I've got your nose" with the other passengers. **

**Shout "Food fight!" **

**Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!" **

**When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. **

**Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back. **

**Elevators were practically MADE for river dnce! **

**Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!" **

**Make sushi. **

**Press your nose against the other passengers, and say "You know, this is what the Eskimos used to do before having sex." **

**Shave. **

**Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!!" Look relieved when it stops **

**moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat. **

**Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection. **

**Practice your kung fu. **

**Make race car noises when people get on and off. **

**Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?" **

**Fly a model airplane. **

**Do yoga. **

**Play the accordion **

**Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat. **

**Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit. **

**Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone. **

**Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure." **

**Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word. **

**REVIEW PLEASE!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclamer: **

**Me: I OWN IT ALL!**

**Emmett: do not!**

**Me: Yes I do!**

**Emmett: Admit it or I'll tell Jasper you love him!**

**Me: YAY! I'm too much of a wimp to tell him myself!**

**Emmett: Then I'll tell him you hate him.**

**Me: Grrr... FINE! I... Own... Nothing... breaks down crying**

**Emmett: Good girl!**

**Emmett's list of things to do in a MOVIE THEATER!**

**Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"**

**Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.**

**Clap when the good guy gets killed.**

**During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"**

**Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"**

**Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.**

**Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.**

**Yell out what is going to happen.**

**Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.**

**Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.**

**Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.**

**Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.**

**Wear 3d glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effect are.**

**Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.**

**Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.**

**Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.**

**Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino...)**

**Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.**

**Try to start a wave.**

**Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.**

**Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.**

**Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"**

**Sing with the theme music.**

**Bring and use your own air freshener.**

**At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."**

**Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the **

**screen so they can't get scraped off.**

**Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.**

**Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.**

**Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. **

**When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"**

**Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.**

**Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.**

**Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.**

**When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"**

**Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.**

**Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"**

**Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.**

**Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.**

**Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby to get ourselves a treat"**

**Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.**

**Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.**

**Get 3 people together and act like you are Crow, Tom Servo, and Joel from **

**Mystery Science Theater 3000.**

**Before the movie starts, stand up, and imitate the Truth commercial saying, "The makers of this film couldn't find any way to make their characters rebellious, rockin, or cool so instead, they'll just smoke."**

**When someone walks by you in the aisle scream, "Ahhhhhh! Bad Touch!"**

**Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone **

**sitting by themself.**

**Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.**

**During a love scene, stand up and run to the screen shouting "Hooters!"**

**Before the movie begins, tape fart cusions to various chairs in the theater room.**

**Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.**

**Bring a watergun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking.**

**Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"**

**Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can here it, like when the killer's name is going to be said.**

**Bring a flashlight and shine it on the walls or ceiling, in advance draw an outline o#!uy screwing a chick (or perhaps another guy), then cut**

**out the outline and put it in front of the flashlight, so the image can be seen on the wall or ceiling.**

**Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.**

**Smuggle in cans of roaches, locusts, ants, and other bugs that can annoy and reproduce quickly. You may even bring in some rats. Then sit in the very back, open the jars, and toss the bugs out on the ground. Since the floor is more slanted in the back the bugs will spread**

**throughout the theater faster. Be sure to be the first one to raise and **

**scream "There's a #!roach crawling up my leg!" Then run out into the**

**lobby and start yelling "there's #!roaches in here!" Or "This theater is contaminated!" The theater will have to close down and fumigate the**

**showroom(s), and after this little "accident" no one will want to go back to the theater anyway!**

**Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set **

**off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.**

**Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.**

**Pass by a room that's showing a movie you've already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the ending.**

**Review please! I will give you all imaginary COOKIES! YAY!**


	3. Real important AN

**This is going nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. I'm working on the final chapter, and then I'm just going to stop adding to it. BUT! It'd be really great if some of you nice people who reviewed this thing, reviewed another one of my stories. And some of Boo182's. Please? That's be _real_ great.**

**-Lace168**


	4. Yet another one, IMPORTANT!

My friend Boo has a Beta and the jealousy and huge need of one is setting in. So I, Lace, am in desperate need of a Beta. PM me or something, if you're interested. That's be _great_. Really. Thanks so much, if you do it. If not, well the sadness is setting in on me. -grins- Hurry, please. So thanks.

-Lace168


	5. And another Sorry peoples

I no longer need a Beta. Quil Explodes is doing it for me. **LET'S GIVE HER A BIG SHOUT OUT PEOPLES! **-laughs- Anyways... Just saying...

Lace!


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